We have all encountered Backstabbers at work. (Remember the song about Backstabbers?) They are gossips, mean spirited and hurtful. In my research for the Toxic People book, one in every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to change because their antics get them what they want. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain. Pay attention to these people because they can tear up your road to success and kill your dreams.

Stop the Mental Terrorism!
So what can you do to manage these emotional vampires and your mental terrorism caused by these nasty people? How do you take personal responsibility for sharpening your skills, not your tongue?

1. Identify the behavior: Taking credit for others’ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical of their malicious approach. Understand that their undermining ugliness often pushes you into toxic behavior. Pay attention to how you handle their attacks and what kind of behavior you exhibit.
2. Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don’t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative positioning. They won’t change, because this approach has worked for them in the past.
3. Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret their vicious banter: Do you hear, “Be careful what you say about me, or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others” or “There is nothing you can do to stop me; I’m more clever than you?”
Sometimes Backstabbers will even send another kind of message, such as, “I’m only trying to be helpful. Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. Listen to my feedback if you want to succeed.” Yeah right!
4. Learn survival tactics: One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. This is tricky but remember that the more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the troublemaker. Their cleverness is well honed.
If a Backstabber tells you that someone else in the office doesn’t like you or has it in for you, go to the person directly and ask if it’s true. The Backstabber has probably relayed a similar story about you. These lies can be exposed when there is good communication in your workplace. And yes, it is your job to start the process of clarification. Don’t wait for it to improve on its own because it won’t! Take personal responsibility for your outcomes.
5. Use specific language: In testing language for my book, Toxic People, I’ve found the following to work most effectively. “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” Or, “I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.” The secret here is to practice several times what you will say. Learn your responses as well as you know your own name and don’t laugh during your delivery.

Remember this bad behavior can suck the life out of you. Never take it personally because it’s not about you! This is exactly the mental response they want you to take so don’t give in. Staying strong and confident is critical, without getting sarcastic and bitter.

Maintain a strong belief in your own competencies to stop the thoughts of vulnerability. Take personal responsibility in building you. Check your weaknesses and if they are the problem, learn to change them. The Back Stabber is just one of six Toxic People that I have identified. Get ready to also handle the Whine and Cheeser, the Know-it-all, the Steamroller, the Zipper Lip and the Needy Weenie. Using the same approach for all of them just forces you into your own mode of Toxic behavior!

Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude won’t solve all your problems, but it will tick off enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work — don’t become one.

Comment on this blog and receive a free e-book of The CEO of YOU: Leading yourself to success. My gift for your participation - and thanks in advance!!
Please visit www.MarshaPetriesSue.com or email at Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com. Request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation from Marsha!

Here are some of their findings and my solutions:
1. Men are more apt to zone out in a meeting since their brains are designed to enter a “rest state” more easily than women. My solution: Change the energy in the meeting every 6 – 8 minutes by telling a story, asking the group to write something down, share a thought with the person sitting next to them, or ask for feedback round robin style. Be creative.
2. Women will have a tendency to run off topic because their personal development has encouraged them to multitask. My solution: in the ground rules of the meeting, focus on sticking to the agenda. Any participant can bring the group back to task. Have a “parking lot” so if something is brought up off the agenda, it can be posted and considered for another meeting.

These are just two ideas of many covered. You can preorder the book on Amazon.com. This book could be used to expand negotiating skills, solve communication problems and create an expanded professional component. It is all about self-awareness and understanding gender issue, and is certainly big in corporate setting and any business environment.

I do discuss gender differences in conflict in the Toxic People book and also on the audio version of the book. I should mention too that if you sign up for my monthly newsletter on www.MarshaPetrieSue.com you would receive a download of a very cool Toxic People podcast for your iPod or MP3.
Your comments are always appreciated and I love receiving emails from you and especially the blog posts. Thanks!!

Marsha

A Los Angeles woman claims she was injured by her Victoria’s Secret thong, prompting her to sue the underwear manufacturer. The plaintiff in the case, Macrida Patterson, 52, attributed the May 2007 injury to a Victoria’s Secret “low-rise v-string,” according to a court document posted on The Smoking Gun.

Patterson’s lawyer told The Smoking Gun that a “design problem” caused a decorative metallic piece on the underwear to fly up and hit Patterson in the eye while she was putting the underwear on. Patterson’s product liability lawsuit was filed in Los Angeles Superior Court last week.

The Smoking Gun reported that, prior to the lawsuit, officials from Victoria’s Secret had asked to see the offending underwear but were refused by Patterson’s lawyer. I had never checked out the Smoking Gun Web Site - what a lesson in lack of personal responsibility for actions!

Glued To His Seat: Shopper sues Home Depot, claims he was cemented to store toilet. This one was good too.

Our court system is so clogged with this type of nonsense law suit, that they don’t have time to manage the drug dealers, smugglers and felons of a serious type. Children and adults need lessons in personal responsibility. The choices they make are their own fault. We must all help people become the Leader of their own life. I am sick and tired of this wing nuts diverting attention in our legal system. I know some people will say I am wrong but I will stick to my guns on this one.

Then you look at the personal responsibility of the court to uphold the law of the land. I believe some of our judges need to take personal responsibility for interpreting the law consistently.

Remember the TLC approach to personal accountability and making choices.

Take it (have a plan if it is not how you want it)

Leave it (walk away or reject it)

Change it (be flexible and keep an open mind)

The women and the thong and the guy and the toilet seat made choices. Do they really think they will be awarded an easy buck by suing? Sad news is they probably will which intensifies the non-responsibility issue. This should be taught in every work environment.  Every leader must help employees understand that personal accountability, good communications and self-leadership is part of their job.

Let me know if you agree or disagree with this stand! Marsha

I am just guessing that the Lakers and the Celtics coaches are both accessing what happened to their half time speeches that night.

It took the Boston Celtics 21 years to get back to the N.B.A. finals. On Thursday night, they waited 44 minutes just to take a lead. Once they got it, they refused to let go, and now they stand one victory away from claiming the 17th championship in franchise history. So why the big comeback in yesterdays game?

I’m guessing it was the presentation and acceptance of the “rah rah” win speech at half time. Wouldn’t you just love to be a fly on the wall to find out what was actually said in that presentation. This is why sports plays such a huge part in leadership success stories. There is a ton to be learned from Knute Rockne, to Vince Lombardi and let’s not forget Doc Rivers.

Keys to getting your message to others:

1. Focus on what they want not what you want.

2. Start with a hook. A startling statistics, meaningful quote or something of interest.

3. Keep it short and sweet by making your examples compelling and memorable.

4. Practice, Practice, Practice. The number one reason presentations are ineffective is because of the anxiety of the presenter - and the audience can always tell!

To be a great leader, you don’t have to be a sports hero - you do have to pay attention to your presentation skill. Who has been a memorable presenter in your life?

Marsha

Big Brown was a shoe in to win the Triple Crown.  Didn’t happen.
A few months ago Hillary Clinton was a shoe in to win the Democratic convention. Didn’t happen.
Donald Trump expected Casinos to fatten his fortune. Didn’t happen.

Winning takes focus, discipline, flexibility, self-awareness and more to gain the success you want and deserve.

From Big Winners and Big Losers by Alfred A. Marcus
The big winners:
1. Occupied sweet spots – they found their niche.  Think about your job.  Are you in your sweet spot?  If not, why not?

2. Possessed the ability to move into these spots. Evaluate your skills.  Do your talents match what is necessary to excel?  If not, get the skills or find a new “spot.”

3. Disciplined themselves to defend their spots. Be able to keep the focus and get rid of the distractions and diversions of life. Learn how to keep your eye on the target.

4. Exploited and extended their positions. Network, and build successful alliances.  Exploit is not a bad word.

The reports revealed big losers:
1. Occupied sour spots. Didn’t take the time to really figure out what is needed.

2. Were rigid. Not flexibility is a killer.  The “My way or the highway” attitude doesn’t work, especially with people in the Generation Y category.

3. Could not defend their positions. Haven’t given much thought to the “why” behind their position.

4. Could not take advantage of their positions.
Learn to successfully manage the tensions between agility, discipline, and focus. Go to the library; check out a book, buy a book or two so you and your company don’t become one of the negative headlines.

Comments welcome - so please post!  Thanks, Marsha

This will be live from the studios of Clarissa Burt
Clarissa Burt was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on the 25th day of April 1959 After having lived and worked in Europe for the last 25 years, this “Whos’ Who” of American and International Women has recently relocated to the United States. Entrepreneur, TV/video producer, public speaker, author, writer, and entertainer her self-made success story has all the makings of a best selling novel.

Let me know what you think! Marsha

The setting is rural and everyone who has chosen to live here, either part or full time, participates in the outdoors in some fashion. Fishing, birding and hiking are certainly our past times!

One of the “guests” became a toxic person and displayed difficult behavior when she walked by two men who were discussing their outdoor adventures. She put her fingers in her ears, and loudly shouted, “la, la, la, la, la…” There should be a TV show called Idiots in Action. This woman could be the poster child.
OMG - the last time I saw that kind of poor behavior was from a five year-old who didn’t want to listen to their parents. The problem? She continued with her ridiculous antics. Even my husband, who never pays attention to that kind of scenario, mentioned it on the way home. It really was that absurd.

For me, it was an excellent display of exactly what I base my presentations and writings on. Open your mind, and remember you don’t have to agree with what is being said. Don’t fall into the trap of people behaving badly, toxic behavior and closed mindedness.

Marsha

Todd Davis has a great retort to the media and naysayers trying to dis his Life Lock product. Here is a recap of what he says…

• Last year alone, 3 percent of all Americans were victims of real identity theft, and an astounding one-third of the U.S. population was subject to identity fraud.
• Analysts at LifeLock, which protects the identities of over a million members, statistically would expect to see see 30,000 of those members experience identity thefts.
• However, only 105 out of over one million LifeLock members, or just over .01 percent of those protected by LifeLock, have ever reported their identities stolen — and LifeLock ‘s $1 Million Total Service Guarantee covered everyone of them without any limitations or stipulations.

I signed up using the special promo…
Now here is what it has done for me - ALL the credit card offers have stopped in the snail mail, saving me a ton of time sorting and shredding the stuff I was getting. LifeLock is constantly adding benefits to their product - and I like that. In addition my junk email is not nearly as huge as it was. Did they have something to do with it? I don’t know - but I’m guessing they did.

Here’s another tip about all the cataloges you receive - stop the madness today by registering at www.catalogchoice.org to search and decline. As of April 1, 694,478 people had opted out of 9,181,316 cataloges and I’m sure the National Wildlife Federation and the Natural Resources Defense Council are breathing a little easier.

Let’s simplify!! Let me know what you do to simplify your life.

Happy Memorial Day!!

Marsha

The good news was I did have my iPhone - which is something everyone should have.

I took my own advice, didn’t get ticked off or mad, went to MacMedia (angels from heaven) Store and am now the proud owner of a MacBook Pro. So here was my lesson and personal development from having to read through over 500 e-mail messages that were delivered from cyberspace:

1. When the topic of the email changes, change the subject line of the email. Now how hard is that????

2. Be sure you send a copy of the email you are answering. Receiving an email that says, “Great idea. Let’s do it” means I have to search out what is being deemed “Great.” Unless of course, you only get three emails a day.

3. Cover one, maximum two topics per email. My preference is one subject. That way I can answer what I want and flag the others for follow up.

4. Don’t babble and ramble! Get to the point - and even use numbers or bullets. (Can you tell what style I am in the behavioral cycle?? MBTI - ESTJ)

5. Just like customer service rule #1 — tell me in a simple message that you are “checking” or “researching” the message so I don’t think a truck has run you down. I think the rule should be 6 hours and get out a response of some kind.

6. If the information is too complex, sensitive or personal, pick up the phone.

If you want more on perception, please check out my youtube video. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fgPaiX7exm4

Do you have any pet peeves about email? Do you have any rules you would like people to follow? I would love to hear from you!

Marsha

1. Self-awareness – What have you decided to “major in” – in other words, have you looked at your strengths and maximized them? Too many people focus on their weaknesses and become “victims of circumstance.” I believe people fall in this trap because it is easier than taking personal responsibility for their actions.

2. Focus – Is daily distraction pushing you from maintaining focus? Get a daily affirmation or write one yourself to make your thought process consistent with your dreams. You do become what you think about and personal development is the discipline and habit everyone needs to change. (Email me if you need one at Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com)

3. Discipline – Continuing to learn and grow is the key. Keep an open mind to everything. Difficult people and naysayer’s will try to push you away from your need for discipline. Don’t let it happen. Listen to your gut feeling and your intuition.

I recently spoke at the University of Illinois to a Women’s Leadership Conference and am always thrilled to see over 3000 people that want to enrich their lives by continuing their road to self-awareness, focus and discipline. What are your keys to success and how do you stay focused?

Marsha