Communication – Personal Development – Business

I was asked to respond to a blog post on conflict, and thought you might be interested in my comment.

As the author of Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work without using Weapons or Duct tape, I agree with the assessment.  Diffusing the situation quickly with language like, “You may be right. Help me understand . . .” creates an environment that allows people to vent.

Learning to keep your own conflict thinking and mental terrorism in check is also important.  Breathe deeply to get oxygen to your brain is step one.

Then shift from the emotive side of the brain (the right side) to the left side (strategic, focused, and where your language lives) by memorizing a little ditty, prayer, quote or something so when you feel yourself drifting, you can refocus your internal language.

Typically, in the moment of conflict you can’t think of the correct words to say, but an hour later you can. Train yourself to recognize the mental vampires, kill them off, and create a more positive environment and stay in control of the situation.

Check out http://www.ReactorFactorBook.com and download the free documents.  I think you will find them useful as well as the information in the Toxic People book.

Tags: bad behavior, dealing with difficult people by Marsha
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I ran into Kohl’s yesterday to grab one thing.

Retail Struggling to survive

A big check out line faced me but that was OK because I understand that retail is really trying to survive with less employees. A store employee came rushing by the line and opened the register.  The guy behind me just about knocked me over to get to the front of the line.  Instead of getting Toxic (after all I did write the book Toxic People!) I just stepped in front of him and put my purchase on the counter.  His face was bright red and I looked at him and said, “She said next in line and that would be me.”

He loudly said, “You are so rude! I can tell you live in Paradise Valley.” With a calm voice I said, “Well Sir, I don’t live in Paradise Valley (it is Scottsdale) but you just proved that chivalry is dead. I’m sorry your having a bad day, and I hope it gets better.”  He continued his yabbering, I smiled and left.

I choose to take personal responsibility for my own assertiveness and I pledge to myself that I will stand up for my right while not violating the rights of others.  Do you think I violated his rights?

Tags: accountability, bad behavior by Marsha
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I had a wonderful email from a person after they had finished reading my book, Toxic People.  I wanted to share my response to them.  In my opinion, just asking this kind of question takes real guts! It’s all about personal responsibility, self leadership, accountability and managing change.

They said: I would say I am a difficult person you mention in our book/ the Zipper Lip/
My response: This is a behavioral choice you are making to combat a situation that you don’t like.  The hard reality is that Zipper Lips choose this behavior because they either don’t know how else to respond or are too lazy to change.  I’m guessing you are in category 1.

They said: How ever I feel people think they are entitled to behave bad/ to me bad behavior consists of being too loud/ non stop talking which most people do and I never get a chance to talk/

My response: Your examples are innate behavioral preferences.  I had to learn many years ago that everyone doesn’t act, communicate, or behave like me.  So that means my tolerance has to change towards them because I will never change them. And most people are too lazy to change.  I can only change me.  So I recommend learning to be more flexible to their behavior and learn how to be an assertive communicator.  Go on my web site at www.MarshaPetrieSue.com and sign up for my newsletter.  Also, visit the “articles” section.  I would also recommend signing up for my blog at www.DecontaminateToxicPeople.com.  These actions will help you start to broaden your scope on behaviors then you can choose what you want to change, because you will never change other people.  Is it hard?  You bet.  Can it be done? You bet.  I’m living proof.

They said: Toxic people can be kids/ people who think its OK to break in to cars/ run red lights/ be rude like run into me in the mall with carts??

My response: I believe the only thing we as humans can do is become role models and present ourselves and our behavior as we expect others to be.  You’ll be amazed the impact this change in thinking has.

What do you think?  How can we better tolerate other peoples toxic behavior?  How can we force ourselves not to run back in our cave and become a zipper lip?

Happy New Year!  Marsha

Additional information: MarciaSnow@MarshaPetrieSue.com  1.888.797.6700

“Silence is Golden – Duct Tape is Silver”

Tags: accountability, bad behavior, zipper lip by Marsha
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I enjoy receiving requests for help and guidance from readers. Here is one concerning a Backstabber in the office. How is your personal development? Do you have the communication skills to handle a situation like this? My comments are in ALL CAPS (AND I’M NOT SCREAMING!)

“A long-time employee in our office, who is respected by all of the companies shareholders, is a challenging person for her coworkers to work with. In the years I have worked with her, her interactions with me have always been positive. She is very skilled at projecting the desired image to those she perceives to be in positions of authority or power.”

“She is described by her coworkers: Will not share information about clients that others need. If directly asked for the information, she will respond with ‘I’ll take care of it’ and then may not take care of it, but may just wait for the other person to handle it wrong.
TRY THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION MODLE: IT MIGHT SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
1. THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THIS
2. I NEED TO HAVE THIS COMPLETED BY __________ FOR ______________.
3. WILL IT BE DONE BY ______________ OR ______________
(AN ALTERNATIVE)
SHOULD I CHECK BACK WITH YOU ON __________ OR ________________.
4. THEN IF IT DOES COME BACK AND IS A MESS – USE:
IN THE FUTURE, I NEED TO MAKE SURE THIS IS COMPLETED. SO I WILL MAKE SURE I GET A CONFIRMING EMAIL OFF TO YOU BECAUSE I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT NOT BEING COMPLETED PROPERLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHECK IN WITH YOU OR PERHAPS WASN’T CLEAR ON WHAT NEEDED TO BE COMPLETED.

And the scenarion continues. “She is often very crabby with other staff – never with the shareholders.”
CALL THE BEHAVIOR. ASK HER, HAVE I DONE SOMETHING TO PERSONALLY UPSET YOU?

“Will not take responsibility for her mistakes – blames others.” (SEE MODEL ABOVE AND I WOULD RECOMMEND WRITING IT OUT SO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH RESPONSE.

“She likes to stir up trouble but feigns ignorance if directly asked about it.” THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PUT DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT? IF NOT, HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

THE QUESTION IS – DOES HER BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY EFFECT YOU? IF NOT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THE SUGGESTIONS AND HELP WITH THEIR COMMUNICATION SKILLS, BUT NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU WORK AS THE MEDIATOR WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SAME ROOM.

Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, bad behavior, communications by Marsha
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What do you do with difficult people and generally bad employees? Now is the perfect time to do a little Spring Cleaning. Here’s the dirty little secret. Think about cleaning up your own communication skills in dealing with toxic people. I found an interesting Forbes Article and it reminded me that there are considerations for cleaning up the bad employees and difficult people:

1. Don’t gossip. Stay as far away from the grapevine’s trash can as you can and the official Director of Chaos. People that involve themselves in the “whine and geez” parties rarely move up the ladder. Don’t let the “bad apple” of the bunch suck you in. Take personal responsibility for your own positive attitude. Get out the mental vacuum and clean up your thinking.

2. Communicate what you need, want and expect. People are not mind readers. You will be amazed on how many communication skills we know but do not use. Just like your cleaning supplies, dig through them, find the best, and most importantly, USE THEM!!! Here is my favorite assertive communication model:

• Acknowledge their request or issue
• Use “I” language (I think, I want, I need, etc.)
• Verbalize two alternatives, solutions or whatever and when possible, let them choose.

3. Stop trying to save the world. Understand your own values and worry about cleaning up yourself. You are tremendous role model for others and mentoring will take place naturally. Don’t try to solve other people’s problems and work on your own personal development. You don’t have to clean up after them!

Bad employees don’t like personal responsibility, positive attitudes and good communications. Create a forward thinking environment and your cobwebs of problems will be swept away!

What will you do to begin your Spring Cleaning? Maybe start with your home first to get you in the mood!

Marsha

Tags: Gossip, bad behavior, job success by Marsha
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I was in Starbucks today (see previous post) and was thrilled to see that the report from the media has been turned around. Apparently the haughty, loudmouthed people that said the cooking of the sandwiches was not appropriate and upset the balance of the “aroma of the coffee.”

When the Barrista asked me for my order and asked if I wanted a grilled sandwich, I just about yelped. I am sick and tired of the minority ruling the majority. And this time the squeaky wheel went flat and didn’t get greased. The toxic people didn’t win! Yeah.

I am happy with Starbucks decision and like the changes they have made in the ordering system. Much more efficient. So what is the lesson here? Stand up for what you believe and when you see it is just a minority of the dopes, idiots and difficult people creating a problem, stand up and speak out. Rally YOUR troops and liaisons to let your voice be heard.

There is an article posted on my website if you are interested in more. Marsha

Tags: bad behavior, difficult people by Marsha
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I’ve been happily married for 15 years and we both hate Valentines Day. Shouldn’t every day be spent caring about your loved one? Why just one day? Does that mean you can be a jerk or a toxic person the rest of the time?

This has not been a focus of mine, until I received a call from the New York Times reporter, Lisa Belkin. She interviewed me for an article for the Styles section about exactly this theme. To view the article click here.

I will cook dinner, we will have an adult beverage, and toast all those people jammed in an already overcrowded restaurant that allows them to chose between two entrée items. Is this romantic? I am convinced that Hallmark and other benefactors of the holiday manufactured Valentine’s Day. Did you know that more than $15 billion (with a B) dollars was spent on this lover’s day in 2007. I’d rather give money to my favorite charity AZ Magic of Music and Dance because I know the special needs kids would certainly appreciate it. Now there is a group filled with love. I refuse to become a difficult person!

I’ll bet even DHL sent out a press release to take advantage of their company exporting over 15 Million stems from Latin America! And why not? I say take advantage of marketing opportunities especially when concocted by someone else just don’t become arrogant or toxic over the situation.

MSNBC has even made news of this Anti focus.
For an alternative history to Valentine’s Day, visit or visit the Anti Valentines Day Spectacular

Need information on booking Marsha for your next event? Please contact Marcia Snow at
mailto:MarciaSnow@MarshaPetrieSue.com.

Tags: bad behavior, communicate, dealing with difficult people, difficult people by Marsha
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Britney Spears just can’t get out of the news because of her toxic behavior. She lost visitation rights for her kids, her fans are dropping like flies, but there is still a loyal group clinging on her every toxic action and word. She even kicked Dr. Phil out of her hospital room!
She is like some of the people you work with – they are talented but have become difficult people. They infect others and create havoc.
Do you have a Britney in your office? It’s not just the damage they do to themselves – they set the tone for the office productivity, morale, and temperament. The top producers that make a mess of their paperwork, the team leaders that can rally the troops but miss the deadlines, the assistants that provide excellent work but are always late to work, and more.
Here is an 6-step conflict resolution plan:
1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.
• Review the six types of Toxic People from the book determine with whom you are dealing.
2. Understand the outcome needed with the relationship.
• Fix it or sever the relationship?
3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the Toxic Person.
• Do you even care what difficult people think of you? (Don’t be cavalier; think about the importance of this question!)
4. Plan your response to Toxic People.
• Be accountable for what you are going to say.
5. Practice your approach.
• How will you check your own anger or anxiety during the approach?
Continue to refer to this list every time you have to manage a toxic situation or a difficult person, and do this until all the habits become second nature. Let’s send this info to Britney Spears! Hopefully she will have time to read it between cocktails and hospital visits.

More good information here – check out this blog on Toxic Friendships!

Cheers, Marsha

Tags: Toxic, bad behavior, difficult people by admin
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Whether you are dealing with a Backstabber, Steamroller, Know-it-All or any other type of difficult behavior identified in Toxic People, fill your tool case with as much information as possible.  I just ordered the Microexpressions CD from Paul Ekman www.paulekman.com. 

This is a great tool that I think everyone should use and learn from.  Make sure your bucket is filled to the top with ideas you can apply every day!  Just a thought.

It is our job to learn how to handle difficult people!  Happy New Year.  It will be a GREAT ‘08.  Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, awareness, bad behavior, communications, difficult people, microexpressions, personal responsibility, sanity by admin
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Start noticing how a simple smile makes you feel. Difficult People with Toxic Behaviors smile less. So I plan to just look pleasant more often and not like I am ready to rip peoples throats out.

I was traveling yesterday from Nashville to Chicago and the flight was delayed two hours because of Mechanical problems. I had a choice on how I handled it as did the people behind the counter. They were gracious and compelling with their approach to a bad situation. They helped me think about how productive I could be in writing my next book proposal with two “extra” hours. And I did just that.

In analyzing what was different, it was their entire approach to their job and the travelers. What really put the icing on the delayed flight was what American Airlines and other sponsors are doing for Snowball Express . Check out what is being done for the children of our fallen soldiers, airmen and Marines. This group is reaching out now and far into their future with gatherings and trips for the families and loved ones.

Travel is not fun – but watching others and how they handle the otherwise bad situation, and the contributions others are making, certainly helped me not become a difficult person.

‘Tis the season to be happy and celebrate! Smilin’ Marsha

Tags: Be Nice, Goodwill, awareness, bad behavior, calm, dealing with difficult people, perception by admin
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