Communication - Personal Development - Business

I enjoy receiving requests for help and guidance from readers. Here is one concerning a Backstabber in the office. How is your personal development? Do you have the communication skills to handle a situation like this? My comments are in ALL CAPS (AND I’M NOT SCREAMING!)

“A long-time employee in our office, who is respected by all of the companies shareholders, is a challenging person for her coworkers to work with. In the years I have worked with her, her interactions with me have always been positive. She is very skilled at projecting the desired image to those she perceives to be in positions of authority or power.”

“She is described by her coworkers: Will not share information about clients that others need. If directly asked for the information, she will respond with ‘I’ll take care of it’ and then may not take care of it, but may just wait for the other person to handle it wrong.
TRY THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION MODLE: IT MIGHT SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
1. THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THIS
2. I NEED TO HAVE THIS COMPLETED BY __________ FOR ______________.
3. WILL IT BE DONE BY ______________ OR ______________
(AN ALTERNATIVE)
SHOULD I CHECK BACK WITH YOU ON __________ OR ________________.
4. THEN IF IT DOES COME BACK AND IS A MESS – USE:
IN THE FUTURE, I NEED TO MAKE SURE THIS IS COMPLETED. SO I WILL MAKE SURE I GET A CONFIRMING EMAIL OFF TO YOU BECAUSE I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT NOT BEING COMPLETED PROPERLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHECK IN WITH YOU OR PERHAPS WASN’T CLEAR ON WHAT NEEDED TO BE COMPLETED.

And the scenarion continues. “She is often very crabby with other staff - never with the shareholders.”
CALL THE BEHAVIOR. ASK HER, HAVE I DONE SOMETHING TO PERSONALLY UPSET YOU?

“Will not take responsibility for her mistakes - blames others.” (SEE MODEL ABOVE AND I WOULD RECOMMEND WRITING IT OUT SO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH RESPONSE.

“She likes to stir up trouble but feigns ignorance if directly asked about it.” THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PUT DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT? IF NOT, HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

THE QUESTION IS – DOES HER BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY EFFECT YOU? IF NOT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THE SUGGESTIONS AND HELP WITH THEIR COMMUNICATION SKILLS, BUT NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU WORK AS THE MEDIATOR WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SAME ROOM.

Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, bad behavior, communications by Marsha
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What do you do with difficult people and generally bad employees? Now is the perfect time to do a little Spring Cleaning. Here’s the dirty little secret. Think about cleaning up your own communication skills in dealing with toxic people. I found an interesting Forbes Article and it reminded me that there are considerations for cleaning up the bad employees and difficult people:

1. Don’t gossip. Stay as far away from the grapevine’s trash can as you can and the official Director of Chaos. People that involve themselves in the “whine and geez” parties rarely move up the ladder. Don’t let the “bad apple” of the bunch suck you in. Take personal responsibility for your own positive attitude. Get out the mental vacuum and clean up your thinking.

2. Communicate what you need, want and expect. People are not mind readers. You will be amazed on how many communication skills we know but do not use. Just like your cleaning supplies, dig through them, find the best, and most importantly, USE THEM!!! Here is my favorite assertive communication model:

• Acknowledge their request or issue
• Use “I” language (I think, I want, I need, etc.)
• Verbalize two alternatives, solutions or whatever and when possible, let them choose.

3. Stop trying to save the world. Understand your own values and worry about cleaning up yourself. You are tremendous role model for others and mentoring will take place naturally. Don’t try to solve other people’s problems and work on your own personal development. You don’t have to clean up after them!

Bad employees don’t like personal responsibility, positive attitudes and good communications. Create a forward thinking environment and your cobwebs of problems will be swept away!

What will you do to begin your Spring Cleaning? Maybe start with your home first to get you in the mood!

Marsha

Tags: Gossip, bad behavior, job success by Marsha
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I was in Starbucks today (see previous post) and was thrilled to see that the report from the media has been turned around. Apparently the haughty, loudmouthed people that said the cooking of the sandwiches was not appropriate and upset the balance of the “aroma of the coffee.”

When the Barrista asked me for my order and asked if I wanted a grilled sandwich, I just about yelped. I am sick and tired of the minority ruling the majority. And this time the squeaky wheel went flat and didn’t get greased. The toxic people didn’t win! Yeah.

I am happy with Starbucks decision and like the changes they have made in the ordering system. Much more efficient. So what is the lesson here? Stand up for what you believe and when you see it is just a minority of the dopes, idiots and difficult people creating a problem, stand up and speak out. Rally YOUR troops and liaisons to let your voice be heard.

There is an article posted on my website if you are interested in more. Marsha

Tags: bad behavior, difficult people by Marsha
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I’ve been happily married for 15 years and we both hate Valentines Day. Shouldn’t every day be spent caring about your loved one? Why just one day? Does that mean you can be a jerk or a toxic person the rest of the time?

This has not been a focus of mine, until I received a call from the New York Times reporter, Lisa Belkin. She interviewed me for an article for the Styles section about exactly this theme. To view the article click here.

I will cook dinner, we will have an adult beverage, and toast all those people jammed in an already overcrowded restaurant that allows them to chose between two entrée items. Is this romantic? I am convinced that Hallmark and other benefactors of the holiday manufactured Valentine’s Day. Did you know that more than $15 billion (with a B) dollars was spent on this lover’s day in 2007. I’d rather give money to my favorite charity AZ Magic of Music and Dance because I know the special needs kids would certainly appreciate it. Now there is a group filled with love. I refuse to become a difficult person!

I’ll bet even DHL sent out a press release to take advantage of their company exporting over 15 Million stems from Latin America! And why not? I say take advantage of marketing opportunities especially when concocted by someone else just don’t become arrogant or toxic over the situation.

MSNBC has even made news of this Anti focus.
For an alternative history to Valentine’s Day, visit or visit the Anti Valentines Day Spectacular

Need information on booking Marsha for your next event? Please contact Marcia Snow at
mailto:MarciaSnow@MarshaPetrieSue.com.

Tags: bad behavior, communicate, dealing with difficult people, difficult people by Marsha
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Britney Spears just can’t get out of the news because of her toxic behavior. She lost visitation rights for her kids, her fans are dropping like flies, but there is still a loyal group clinging on her every toxic action and word. She even kicked Dr. Phil out of her hospital room!
She is like some of the people you work with – they are talented but have become difficult people. They infect others and create havoc.
Do you have a Britney in your office? It’s not just the damage they do to themselves – they set the tone for the office productivity, morale, and temperament. The top producers that make a mess of their paperwork, the team leaders that can rally the troops but miss the deadlines, the assistants that provide excellent work but are always late to work, and more.
Here is an 6-step conflict resolution plan:
1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.
• Review the six types of Toxic People from the book determine with whom you are dealing.
2. Understand the outcome needed with the relationship.
• Fix it or sever the relationship?
3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the Toxic Person.
• Do you even care what difficult people think of you? (Don’t be cavalier; think about the importance of this question!)
4. Plan your response to Toxic People.
• Be accountable for what you are going to say.
5. Practice your approach.
• How will you check your own anger or anxiety during the approach?
Continue to refer to this list every time you have to manage a toxic situation or a difficult person, and do this until all the habits become second nature. Let’s send this info to Britney Spears! Hopefully she will have time to read it between cocktails and hospital visits.

More good information here - check out this blog on Toxic Friendships!

Cheers, Marsha

Tags: Toxic, bad behavior, difficult people by admin
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Whether you are dealing with a Backstabber, Steamroller, Know-it-All or any other type of difficult behavior identified in Toxic People, fill your tool case with as much information as possible.  I just ordered the Microexpressions CD from Paul Ekman www.paulekman.com. 

This is a great tool that I think everyone should use and learn from.  Make sure your bucket is filled to the top with ideas you can apply every day!  Just a thought.

It is our job to learn how to handle difficult people!  Happy New Year.  It will be a GREAT ‘08.  Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, awareness, bad behavior, communications, difficult people, microexpressions, personal responsibility, sanity by admin
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Start noticing how a simple smile makes you feel. Difficult People with Toxic Behaviors smile less. So I plan to just look pleasant more often and not like I am ready to rip peoples throats out.

I was traveling yesterday from Nashville to Chicago and the flight was delayed two hours because of Mechanical problems. I had a choice on how I handled it as did the people behind the counter. They were gracious and compelling with their approach to a bad situation. They helped me think about how productive I could be in writing my next book proposal with two “extra” hours. And I did just that.

In analyzing what was different, it was their entire approach to their job and the travelers. What really put the icing on the delayed flight was what American Airlines and other sponsors are doing for Snowball Express . Check out what is being done for the children of our fallen soldiers, airmen and Marines. This group is reaching out now and far into their future with gatherings and trips for the families and loved ones.

Travel is not fun - but watching others and how they handle the otherwise bad situation, and the contributions others are making, certainly helped me not become a difficult person.

‘Tis the season to be happy and celebrate! Smilin’ Marsha

Tags: Be Nice, Goodwill, awareness, bad behavior, calm., dealing with difficult people, perception by admin
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Some of you have responded to the blog on difficult people because of the job market and especially the process of interviewing. Hearing about people that are upset because there are “no jobs out there” or “Poor me, I’ve been laid off” makes me crazy - so here is my take on the subject. Let me know what you think!

You’ve been laid off and have nowhere to go. How is your attitude? Have you become a toxic or difficult person because you are just plain ticked off? Here are some simple tricks to keep you on target:

1. Review the talents you do have and dwell on them.
2. Don’t berate your old job or boss. It will only come back to haunt you.
3. Be proactive. Post your resume on line and stick to it.
4. Realize that you are now in sales and your product is YOU.
5. Better than 68% of people lie on resumes. Don’t even think about it.

So, finally the Human Resources department for the job of your dreams is right around the corner. That posting from Monster.com was finally noticed and has paid off. Now what? Do not allow yourself to become a difficult person during the interview. And this does happen! If you are unprepared, you can become negative, aggressive and will undermine your own communications.

Train yourself to be prepared for any interview. In interviews I’ve done with Human Resource professional, they consistently mention how unprepared job seekers are.

Here is a quick hit list to get you started and keep you on the right track for the interview.
1. Give the single best reason we should consider hiring you over all the others we are considering?
2. If we contact all your previous bosses and/or colleagues, what one trait would they say you could to improve?
3. If you could do any job, in any company, what would be the job and name the company?
4. In detail, define strengths, weaknesses, communication style, management style, personality and values your ideal boss.
5. What questions would you need me to answer for you to determine if this company and this job is what you are best suited to do?
Take personal responsibility for your success. Learn how to create a great interview.

Cheers, Marsha

****************
Refer Marsha for your next meeting, workshop or keynote.
“Our meeting was a tremendous success because of your keynote and concurrent workshop.
Your evaluations were ‘off the charts!’” Jan Waugh, Association of Legal Administrators.
Marsha’s latest book, Toxic People, is in bookstores everywhere
Visit the website for more information www.MarshaPetrieSue.com
or call Darlene at 1.888.797.6700

Tags: Job Interviews, awareness, bad behavior, communications, dealing with difficult people, difficult people, employment, hiring, personal marketing, problem people, unemployment by Marsha
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I spoke at a meeting last night and the audience was filled with highly educated people, the majority being MD’s – yes-medical doctors. There were some positive business changes being discussed within there organization. I was fascinated to listen to some of the difficult people express their whining questions, accusatory tone, and how some choose to take the Whine and Cheeser Toxic person route.

The message they send
• Don’t expect me to do anything to fix problems – I’m helpless
• To stay on my good side you must listen to my complaints
• I’m perfect. Therefore, it is my duty to notice all of the faults around me
• I’m right occasionally, so you had better be sure and listen to me

The President of the company was an excellent communicator and chose to take action. He did not agree with the difficult people. Rather he asked questions and dug deeper to determine the real issue was. Then he made relevant statements and continued to confirm the response with the Whine and Cheeser Toxic Person.

He really made them think. He did not buy into their misery. Instead, he listened, watched, and took verbal action. Do you have this arsenal of communication tools to draw from? Most people don’t.

Remember to identify the kind of difficult behavior you display and what kind of Toxic Person YOU become! Your approach must be in check before you can take any measure in decontaminating a toxic person.

This is the first week of the release of my new book, Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape. I am very pleased that it is doing so well. People DO understand that they have to learn the skills to manage these people. If you go to www.Amazon.com and buy this book today, you will receive an incredible bonus success package filed with ideas from the best Success Experts in the world! All you do is send your Amazon receipt to me at bonusoffer@marshapetriesue.com and receive your link to this great package.

Do something now about the people that suck the life out of you!

Marsha
(A recovering Toxic Person!)

Cry babies, mental terrorists and whinners

Tags: awareness, bad behavior, calm., communications, dealing with difficult people, difficult people, listening, problem people, whinning by Marsha
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I write and speak on difficult people and toxic people. But I must say, the majority of folks in life are just terrific. Specifically I want to mention Tricia Moody who wrote the following review on my JUST released book, Toxic People.

“When I saw the banner on the cover - Decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape - I knew it wasn’t going to be the usual self-help cookbook. The author starts with her strongest statement - these people are out there! And we dodge them. So step one is admitting they are there and it’s our responsibility - not their “fault” - to develop the right strategies to deal with all six types of toxic people - the Steamrollers, the Zipper Lip, the Backstabber, the KNow it all, and Needy Weenie and the Whine and Cheeser! And what great stories and practical advice she shares with us. I hate self-help books, but I am keeping this one! It’s a treasure!” Patricia Moody
Here is the question: do you take time out of your very busy schedule to stop and thank strangers?  Tricia did and I want to thank her for that!  I don’t know her, yet she thoughtfully wrote the review.  I am grateful for her action because it reminds me to do the same — go out of my way to be kind and nice.

Marsha

Marsha Petrie Sue, the Decontaminator of Toxic People
“Silence is Golden. Duct Tape is Silver”
Purchase Toxic People on October 9, 2007 from Amazon.com, send me the receipt (marsha@marshapetriesue.com) and receive an amazing Success Bonus Package!

Tags: Be Nice, Book review, Uncategorized, bad behavior, dealing with difficult people, difficult people by admin
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