Communication - Personal Development - Business

I continue to get emails about Toxic People and especially Backstabbers.

We have all encountered Backstabbers at work. (Remember the song about Backstabbers?) They are gossips, mean spirited and hurtful. In my research for the Toxic People book, one in every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to change because their antics get them what they want. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain. Pay attention to these people because they can tear up your road to success and kill your dreams.

Stop the Mental Terrorism!
So what can you do to manage these emotional vampires and your mental terrorism caused by these nasty people? How do you take personal responsibility for sharpening your skills, not your tongue?

1. Identify the behavior: Taking credit for others’ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical of their malicious approach. Understand that their undermining ugliness often pushes you into toxic behavior. Pay attention to how you handle their attacks and what kind of behavior you exhibit.
2. Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don’t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative positioning. They won’t change, because this approach has worked for them in the past.
3. Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret their vicious banter: Do you hear, “Be careful what you say about me, or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others” or “There is nothing you can do to stop me; I’m more clever than you?”
Sometimes Backstabbers will even send another kind of message, such as, “I’m only trying to be helpful. Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. Listen to my feedback if you want to succeed.” Yeah right!
4. Learn survival tactics: One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. This is tricky but remember that the more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the troublemaker. Their cleverness is well honed.
If a Backstabber tells you that someone else in the office doesn’t like you or has it in for you, go to the person directly and ask if it’s true. The Backstabber has probably relayed a similar story about you. These lies can be exposed when there is good communication in your workplace. And yes, it is your job to start the process of clarification. Don’t wait for it to improve on its own because it won’t! Take personal responsibility for your outcomes.
5. Use specific language: In testing language for my book, Toxic People, I’ve found the following to work most effectively. “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” Or, “I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.” The secret here is to practice several times what you will say. Learn your responses as well as you know your own name and don’t laugh during your delivery.

Remember this bad behavior can suck the life out of you. Never take it personally because it’s not about you! This is exactly the mental response they want you to take so don’t give in. Staying strong and confident is critical, without getting sarcastic and bitter.

Maintain a strong belief in your own competencies to stop the thoughts of vulnerability. Take personal responsibility in building you. Check your weaknesses and if they are the problem, learn to change them. The Back Stabber is just one of six Toxic People that I have identified. Get ready to also handle the Whine and Cheeser, the Know-it-all, the Steamroller, the Zipper Lip and the Needy Weenie. Using the same approach for all of them just forces you into your own mode of Toxic behavior!

Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude won’t solve all your problems, but it will tick off enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work — don’t become one.

Comment on this blog and receive a free e-book of The CEO of YOU: Leading yourself to success. My gift for your participation - and thanks in advance!!
Please visit www.MarshaPetriesSue.com or email at Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com. Request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation from Marsha!

Tags: Backstabbers, Toxic, calm., mental terrorism, stay calm by Marsha
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I enjoy receiving requests for help and guidance from readers. Here is one concerning a Backstabber in the office. How is your personal development? Do you have the communication skills to handle a situation like this? My comments are in ALL CAPS (AND I’M NOT SCREAMING!)

“A long-time employee in our office, who is respected by all of the companies shareholders, is a challenging person for her coworkers to work with. In the years I have worked with her, her interactions with me have always been positive. She is very skilled at projecting the desired image to those she perceives to be in positions of authority or power.”

“She is described by her coworkers: Will not share information about clients that others need. If directly asked for the information, she will respond with ‘I’ll take care of it’ and then may not take care of it, but may just wait for the other person to handle it wrong.
TRY THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION MODLE: IT MIGHT SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
1. THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THIS
2. I NEED TO HAVE THIS COMPLETED BY __________ FOR ______________.
3. WILL IT BE DONE BY ______________ OR ______________
(AN ALTERNATIVE)
SHOULD I CHECK BACK WITH YOU ON __________ OR ________________.
4. THEN IF IT DOES COME BACK AND IS A MESS – USE:
IN THE FUTURE, I NEED TO MAKE SURE THIS IS COMPLETED. SO I WILL MAKE SURE I GET A CONFIRMING EMAIL OFF TO YOU BECAUSE I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT NOT BEING COMPLETED PROPERLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHECK IN WITH YOU OR PERHAPS WASN’T CLEAR ON WHAT NEEDED TO BE COMPLETED.

And the scenarion continues. “She is often very crabby with other staff - never with the shareholders.”
CALL THE BEHAVIOR. ASK HER, HAVE I DONE SOMETHING TO PERSONALLY UPSET YOU?

“Will not take responsibility for her mistakes - blames others.” (SEE MODEL ABOVE AND I WOULD RECOMMEND WRITING IT OUT SO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH RESPONSE.

“She likes to stir up trouble but feigns ignorance if directly asked about it.” THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PUT DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT? IF NOT, HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

THE QUESTION IS – DOES HER BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY EFFECT YOU? IF NOT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THE SUGGESTIONS AND HELP WITH THEIR COMMUNICATION SKILLS, BUT NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU WORK AS THE MEDIATOR WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SAME ROOM.

Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, bad behavior, communications by Marsha
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I love this! Deirdre McMurdy (Canada), Financial Post Published this Collenemy article today, and thanks to her, I learned a new “official term” for difficult people — “collenemy” — which is like a frenemy you know you have to deal with every day. Here is what she said…

“Marsha Petrie Sue, self-declared former collenemy, has written a book called Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape. She’s identified such characters as Steamrollers, Backstabbers, Know-It-Alls, Zipper Lips and Needy Weenies. You get the drift.”

She continues, “But Ms. Sue is not the only one starting to focus on this problem: In a survey of the “consequences of workplace incivility,” researchers at the management school at the University of North Carolina found that 52% of the 1,400 workers they surveyed lost work time worrying about past or future confrontations with co-workers. About 40% said that hostility among colleagues reduced their commitment to the job, 28% lost time by trying to avoid their nemesis and 22% cited confrontation for being less productive.

“Most significantly of all in a tight labour market, 12% up and left their jobs after a run-in with a colleague. Given the price tag on employee churn (it can run as high as 200% of a person’s salary to recruit a replacement), cat fights can be costly.”

“Furthermore, a study on team performance from the University of Washington Business School concluded that just one negative or toxic member reduced communication and co-operation among others. The performance of the entire team suffered as a result.”

I love her research and she ends the article by saying, “Loathing your colleagues may make you unproductive. But at least you’re not alone.”

What are your thoughts and stories?  I love receiving your emails!  Cheers and have a non-toxic, collenemy free day!!  Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers by Marsha
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I was watching Ohio University students and a moderator recap the election results from yesterday. One student said that watching only the news is very dangerous ground because it can be slanted one way or the other. Then another student chimed in and said it was also deceiving to only rely on your own perception because of the role modeling and events that have happened to us as individuals. I believe personal responsibility is the key to growing mentally and eliminating the deception of one sided learning and thinking! So watch CNN, Fox, MSNBC, BBC and others, because it is your personal responsibility to broaden your focus AND keep an open mind!

This reminds me of how we handle difficult people. Perception creates our judgment and judgment creates action. Say for example you have to deal with a Back Stabber kind of Toxic Person. Your history with having them nail you when you were not there to defend yourself, creates a perception of will happen. Then your judgment kicks in and says, “See you don’t know how to handle this person again. You are going to get nailed again!” So subconsciously, you decide to either be ticked off or retreat. Neither of these is a good decision, so you deceive yourself by not taking a new approach.

The key? Read and train yourself to understand the other approaches available. If you are a leader, this is critical because you are the role model. For example, learn to have a different response to their ugly behavior by saying something such as, “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” This will call the behavior of the backstabber. Or try, “I understand you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.”

When making decisions by gathering information, learn to ask great questions and keep digging. Learn and use the fogging technique by saying, “You may be right. Could you please help me understand where you are coming from?” The other side of that is to learn how to listen, without judgment, to their response.

Here is the problem. Most people are too lazy to change their perception and they don’t care about the dangerous ground so difficult behavior and toxic people continue to ruin their day! What will you change to grow your perception?

Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, Deception, Politics, perception, personal responsibility by Marsha
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Whether you are dealing with a Backstabber, Steamroller, Know-it-All or any other type of difficult behavior identified in Toxic People, fill your tool case with as much information as possible.  I just ordered the Microexpressions CD from Paul Ekman www.paulekman.com. 

This is a great tool that I think everyone should use and learn from.  Make sure your bucket is filled to the top with ideas you can apply every day!  Just a thought.

It is our job to learn how to handle difficult people!  Happy New Year.  It will be a GREAT ‘08.  Marsha

Tags: Backstabbers, awareness, bad behavior, communications, difficult people, microexpressions, personal responsibility, sanity by admin
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I’ve been asked to submit many articles lately, especially with the release of my book. Check out the latest article about Backstabbers posted at Women’s Media.

Writing the article reminded me that when we look at who we work with everyday, when we evaluate the 2008 elections or whatever our situation is - it is our personal responsibility to learn more and form our own opinions.

Don’t let anyone tell you someone else falls into a difficult behavior or a toxic person category. Learn for yourself. Gather information on your own, question, pay attention and take responsibility for creating your own thoughts.

If someone says another person at work is a backstabber, pay attention to the suspect’s behavior and form your own opinion - and stop relying on the gossip mongers and other difficult people at work!

How about Politics? Read and learn about all candidates credentials, past voting records, displays of toxic behavior and do fit within your core values.

Need more information? Let me know!

Marsha — professional speaker, author and decontaminator of toxic people.

Tags: Backstabbers, Politics, awareness, cooperation, dealing with difficult people, difficult relationships, x-rated behavior by Marsha
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